The Day I Woke Up (and Realized the System Was Full of Sh*t)
I wasn’t always as mentally and spiritually stable as I am today. Don’t get me wrong—there are still days when I feel like I’m taking one (or several) steps backward. But I no longer judge myself for that. I’ve come to see spiritual growth kind of like a stock chart. Odd analogy? Sure. But hear me out.
If you’re actively growing on your spiritual path, you’ll have highs and lows, but the overall trend is upward. On the flip side, if you’re heading in the wrong direction, you’ll still have ups and downs—but with more lows than highs, spiraling downward. So yes, you’re allowed to have off days. Just make sure the trajectory of your soul is still pointing north.
Anyway, I digress. Let’s rewind to the beginning—back to when I started questioning this matrix we call modern life.
From Ordinary to “Extra”
I was a fairly ordinary teenager doing my best to appear extraordinary—even if that meant faking it. I wore boys’ clothes (thankfully this was before school counselors became activists disguised as therapists—a rant for another day), dyed my hair every shade under the sun, started collecting piercings like Pokémon, and daydreamed about the 100 tattoos I planned to get the minute I turned 18.
I thought I was tough, cool, rugged. The kind of girl who could keep up with the boys while still oozing sex appeal. Quite the paradox, right? Beneath all that swagger, though, I was mentally fragile. So back to the socially accepted drug dealer—I mean, doctor—I went.
The Doctor Will Gaslight You Now
I had been to the doctor approximately 1,000 times before I even moved out. It started, like many horror stories, in the hospital… at birth. Now, before I throw the entire medical system under the bus (don’t worry, I will later), I want to acknowledge that my parents truly did their best. They listened to people they believed knew more—doctors, nurses, experts—and trusted them to have my best interests at heart.
For that, I’m grateful. Their choices came from love, even if the outcomes weren’t always ideal. But all those well-meaning interventions? They triggered a health avalanche. And mental health was just the first snowball to hit me in the face.
Pills, Vaccines, and the Moment I Snapped
One day, my mom took me to the doctor to address my asthma, depression, anxiety, and sleep issues. You know—just a short list.
The doctor, ever the cheerful pharmacist-in-disguise, upgraded my asthma meds like she was swapping parts on a clunky old car. Then she prescribed an antidepressant, anti-anxiety meds, and sleeping pills like my only deficiency was pharmaceuticals.
As a bonus, she suggested a pneumonia vaccine and, because I was “at that age,” the HPV shot. That’s when the alarm bells rang.
“So… what’s this Gardasil shot? And why do I need it?” I asked.
“Oh, it’s to prevent cervical cancer. You don’t want that, do you?”
Fair point—I don’t want cancer. But I thought I’d be clever: “Well, what causes cervical cancer?”
“Sex,” she said.
And that was it. No explanation. Just “sex.”
Annnnnd that’s when I knew the system was full of it.
Still not knowing I had the right to refuse, I followed her like a good little sheep, albeit, scared little sheep and received the last vaccine I would ever be coerced into getting.
Spiraling
After that shot, I entered one of the worst physical and mental states of my life. I developed a twitch in my hands and eyes—something nobody connected to the vaccine, naturally. My doctor shrugged it off with a referral to a specialist who basically told me, “Yeah, it probably has something to do with your cells sending off funky signals and your spinal cord screwing up the message before it got to your brain. Anyways, good luck with that.”
My depression and anxiety grew unbearable. I was chronically nauseous and dizzy, fighting the impending hyperventilation session. I was popping Ativan like it was holy communion, but instead of salvation, I got a drugged-out stupor and crushing hopelessness. It became a vicious loop: feel sad → panic → sedate → repeat. It drove me to the edge of suicide.
I told my mom I wanted to die (thank God this was before MAID became an option). But I didn’t dare tell a counselor for fear they’d lock me up and pump me full of even more pills. I didn’t really want to die—I just didn’t want to live like this. I wanted to thrive. Was that too much to ask?
Broke, Blessed, and Breaking Free
Ironically, being broke saved my life. When I moved out, I couldn’t afford the endless prescriptions. My only option was to figure it out myself.
It took years—and the birth of my first son—for a few of the first pieces of the puzzle to click into place. But I did it. Slowly, painfully, and against all odds… I healed.
The Comeback Story
Today, I’m happily married to the same man who fathered all five of our beautiful children (yes, all five—and yes, we’re tired but happy). That alone is a testament to how far we’ve come. There was hell to walk through while both of us battled our personal demons, but we walked it.
It took 10 years to overcome depression, postpartum trauma, anxiety attacks, body image struggles, fear of judgment, and condemnation from nearly everyone I knew. Especially when I chose a fully natural route: home births, no vaccines, and a whole lot of faith over fear. (Side note: Isn’t it funny how something natural is called alternative? Oxymoron much? Ha!)
At times, the fear of CPS ( because people didn’t like my health nutty ways) was worse than the fear of any so-called vaccine preventable disease. Kinda like how Hermione Granger thought getting expelled was worse than death. I knew you’d get that reference. Thanks for sticking with me.
Out of the Matrix, Into the Light
I am now free—free of drugs, free of the matrix, and free of the lies that kept me sick and scared. I’m not saying I have all the answers. But I’ve learned to ask the right questions.
And this is only the beginning.
So follow along as I share more stories from my awakening and the science I have formulated my views from. If it helps you feel less alone, more empowered, or even just curious… then it’s worth every word.
Much love in the everlasting light of the One Infinite Creator.
